And so what??!

 Still trying to break the boxes and feeling safe in the boxes

The vile grunt of satisfaction from the reassurance can't nearly manage to silence the fears and doubts

And I wonder for the 10000th time whether I am strong or week

Forever will I remain in the ambiguity of knowing myself... And yet it feels so immaterial who I am what I am or what I do.

So nearly an other decade later

 My last post was a random musing on the deterioration of the lyrics in telugu songs and hope  to listen to some pleasant positive stuff for a change. It has been nearly a decade since then. And I have heard good lyrics to bad music, bad lyrics and bad music, bad lyrics to good music and what now seems ( fingers crossed) happy music with funny lyrics.

Well it's been a long long time now since then and I wonder what I was complaining about.

In the middle of a global pandemic, with months passing by in a whole new world, where house, masks, groceries, video calls, work from home and cooking have become the key words. We are now living in a world that we never once imagined. We are living in a world where hope and positivity ate shy of being too loud. What's surprising to me is how we adapted, how we all adapted, house business world, politics , media and the entire world adapted to this new way of life within a matter of few weeks.

This past few weeks have given time for quiet reflection. Time for figuring out ( though I haven't yet) priorities, desires and opinions. It's important to know what your beliefs are and where you stand on certain issues. 

When I started this blog I was 22. I called this an unadulterated world view of a 22 year old and I havent really kept to the rigour of blogging. Hopefully now when I am 36 and seems to have gained a better world view and am really ok being unadulterated, will find it in me to write again. So here again wishing myself luck in trying and finding the little thinker and writer in me. 

Chinukalanni kalisi chitra kaveriiii

Are we as an audience becoming more and more intolerent o sensitiveness..

Was jus listening to a beautiful song from subhasankalpam...a tale about a man's agony on losing his wife and the aftermath...there are classics galore...and here we are bombarded with dialogues like nenu kottadam modaledthe narakam housefull board pettukovali...and now we need brutality even to digest some humour...I want simple stories woven around simple people with simpler past maybe just a college brawl in their crime history...I am bored with whats being churned out here...they are taking "masala" too much to heart...that every movie is just a mishmash o the last ten movies..done...n aila we are ready with one more movie most probably ending with a naidu or a reddy...oh now that the trend has changed to three lettered words..we can mostly look forward to balupu....
The classics that i watched as a kid are too outdated for our kids...I want something now..New but true..Something that can move our hearts...and remind us and reassure our kids that we are human and are capable of emotionns even when they are not drenched in blood...Anyone listening now

First love

A blooming season of love of kisses stolen in silent lanes...of magical touches...n a new passion....of promises galore not spoken yet...of an all new beginning..U were my first love....But then

U had distances to go..i cant even fathod

so far that every dream is going to stay just that a dream forever...

But yet i smiles through your pain

Wasnt that what you fell in love for...

A smile...I knew i had to keep you alive a few more minutes for a few tender touches n tears on my hair...ur lips that touch mine with passion once and fervour next...

I had to let you gooo with a smile

who was dying...was it you

or was it me...

Y do i feell such clinching pain inside...Glad you came into my life...With you i die tonight..Silently inside...No grave for me shall rise...

But i know i am as dead as one can be..loving you was in y hands ...wish letting u live was too..but it aint..

So i die holding your hand for that one last moment...the touch of your fingers in ine i shall forever savour...My guardian angel u ll always be

Mayb mayb i will love again..Cause u taught me the sweet pleasures of it..To love with such intensity that death can never part us even though we are in our graves..Forever and for always a part of me shall belong to that one moment...With ur lips on my forehead and tears on my eyeslids...memory of pain shall haunt me forever but than so shall the trust in love and life's elixir

Amy...

And then she swore that it was the last sip for the night and it would help stop the pain inside...that every memory of yesterday would fade forever...She hoped she would never again see the flickering light far on her ceiling...she wished it all done...the pain the pleasure before and everything in between

Miss u Amy...

An other day and a other hope

After the day is long gone n i toss n turn in bed...
I count my blessings
The day thus gone..do i measure the harvest i reap ...or the seeds i planted?

I know tomorrow is gonna come
And i have to make my choices yet again...
Will i choose to be happy...or will i be sad...
Will i be a victim or ask the world to give me its best shot...
Will i chose pain over pleasure for the lessons it might teach...
Yeah yeah every minute is a challenge and filled with all possible uncertainity
Walk on thin ice...what the heck i ll aswell dance
Shall hold up my head and sing out loud for the world may find me queer
I am happy...its the state to be...like someone so dear tells me each night i sleep
That a clear conscience at the end of the day is indication of happy n well run day...
Also heard a quote a clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory..confused me again
Thats when i gotto choose again
To live this day like it was the first and the last...
To love and cherish what life has thrown at me..
Sometimes the days are but extended hours of mindless channel surfing or gaming
And sometimes a walk by the park or the silence so strong inside i can hear my heart beat
Trigger thoughts of all that could be made out of this life...
How so far somehow i never gave myself a chance to be truely happy...
For sure there were wonderful moments sprinkled every single day
But the peace that was lurking jus beyond the surface
Never gave it a chance to touch my life
Somehow all my yesterdays seem to be hoping only for their tomorrows
This is that tomorrow ....
and yet its difficult to train this dragon to take it one day at a time

And so i choose before i slip into an other night dreaming about what seems to be a medley of flashes from yesterdays and hopes for tomorrows
For The morning that might come
May i choose today to tomorrow and
May i bring joy to every life i touch and a smile on every face i see
And be a hopeless romantic and a mindless enthusiast
Cause i choose them over bitter cynicism and mindnumbing indifference
Good night;)

Change...In all its glory

5 years...Indeed a long time to change
and change...good bad ugly...needs to be appreciated..accepted and embraced...
thats not the only easy way out..Its the only way out...
Life has in all its glory kicked my arse..picked me up and hugged me to its heart all in the time gone by...
What is inside me is far lesser than the whole world put together...Is wat i thought life was about...
But now...I realise...wth...Life is grand....There are just so many wonders lurking around the corner and we are so busy mulling over the past or the probability of the future...
Now is the only time we have...we all have heard that too many times to actually dwell on it..
NOW....Is the only reality...the past was a memory...and it always seems beautifull...but do u remember admiring the elan with which you tripped and fell face first in ur teens most probably while the guy you like is around...No...
hehe funny how all of our lives we only hope to make good memories...while we have a choice to make great todays..
Happiness and Contentment...are the only requisites of a happy today

Ask me not why i smile...cause there is no reason to smile but life itself...

firstpost

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
yet an other blog started....

I am not here to complain about life....ratherrrr jus my intimate thoughts and feelings of life uncensored...
The rational of a 22 yr old gal on all life's little aspects...